Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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