If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
