I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
