I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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