I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
