Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
