if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
