I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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