he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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