LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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