Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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