so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
