I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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