My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
