My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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