Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
