Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
