When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
