I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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