I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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