Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
