Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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