if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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