How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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