Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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