i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
