R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
