you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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