I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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