I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
