She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
