For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
