Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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