Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
