When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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