I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
