I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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