Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
