Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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