Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
