I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
