I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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