is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
