is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
