Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
