I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
