two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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