Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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