I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
