I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
