If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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