Swine flu. Run for my life!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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