I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
